Being in a relationship these days isn’t easy; there are
many expectations, less boundaries and too much compromising. In the olden days
things were easier, of course looking at it today one would suggest that women
were oppressed, taken advantage off and not really respected. Looking at the
bigger picture as a youngster in the 21st century, I have come to
realise that though women were inferior and men were superior, it wasn’t bad at
all.
Men always provided for their families, they knew their
roles as parents and separation was scarce.
Looking at many different things that affect people’s
relationship, things have become much more complicated. Now this term of
everyone being free, equal and sharing things equally I believe it’s called
50/50 was with best intentions but facing the facts not everybody can agree
with that statement looking at the end results.
Divorce rates have gone up dramatically compared to the past
10 years, many marriages are failing, why you ask? Well there are a number of
reasons why people divorce. Firstly marriage has lost its value and many people
do not understand their vows and people often get married quickly in a relationship
without really knowing much about each other, they do not imagine their lives
with this man/woman and well they aren’t being realistic about their
expectations.
We watch a lot of chick flicks, we grew up watching fairy
tales, our parents grew up being taught to respect a man and never go against
their wishes ( remember that marriages in the olden days, women were not
allowed to do anything without their husbands approval as the man was the sole
provider ) now because of that they do not know what to teach you, how to
prepare you for marriage , their ways and opinions will differ from yours
because you now believe in an equal 50/50 kind of relationship. In the end we find movies, television programmes
and rnb songs teaching us the importance of marriage, how to treat your husband/wife
and what to expect.
What we forget is that those movies were written by someone,
its purpose being to entertain us and give us an imagination. Chick flicks
always end with a happy ending, the marriage is always rosy and it looks like a
wonderful thing. Like the classic Cinderella, you start off with problems,
hardships and pain but in the end it’s the happily ever after, where your Prince
charming comes to your rescue and gives you this wonderful life and that’s the
end.
Now I am not saying marriage is not good, but being a Black
child growing up in the streets of Soweto, I came to realise that the movie
does not end with a happily ever after, there is more to come.
These days men cheat on their beloved wives, leave their
families to go support some other family, we find men who abuse their spouses,
women who end up killing their husbands and going to jail for murder, mothers
giving up their children because they can’t support them anymore (the father
ran away and left them with nothing), we find mothers who run away with their
lovers and leave the men to take care of the children, parents who are too busy
building their careers at the expense of their children. Things have fallen out
of place, all because people have forgotten their roles and in my opinion that
is some of the factors that contribute to marriages not having their happily
ever after.
But where does this all start?
Well, it starts at the core; all these problems start with
our upbringings and the values that were instilled in us as children. They
become visible firstly at school. The way one treats one from the opposite sex
says a lot on what our parents taught us at home, but the most visible place is
in their relationships, when they start dating specifically in high school.
Music videos, movies and the media play a huge role in the
values instilled in a person at their teens.
In today’s society everything is quick-quick, parents aren’t
around often or they don’t make time to really talk to their children about
real issues, actually most parents literally avoid having such conversations
with their children; they do not know where to start. They too have become
toddlers in this fast pace world engulfed by their lives, routines and the fast
changing lifestyles. They want to catch up, live their dreams and make money to
be able to afford “the life”. They like children in a candy store.
Where does this leave the child, who is there to teach the
values and give them advice?
Yes, the media, movies and hip hop artists.
Why blame the youngster when all they care about is sex,
girls, boys, trends, music and being popular (that doesn’t involve being a nerd
at school). Children start disrespecting their parents, parents give in and
life continues as a roller coaster. There are only a few teens and 20years old+
children who still have dreams and actually believe in them, only a few want to
be anything but famous. It seems as though dignity, respect and being different
has gone out of fashion and the latest trend has become being famous, making
money, getting laid “sex” and living some else’s life.
The sad thing is everybody gets caught up in this mess.
Innocent girls who just want to feel accepted, boys who want to fit in, that
poor child who is trying to live the good life, a young girl selling her body
to feed her family, the young boy who dropped out of school to support his
family, the wealthy girl/boy who is always smiling on the outside but is dying
inside because they witness their father beating their mother every night.
Anybody gets caught up in this fairy tale world, to some it’s their ticket to
the good life and to some it’s a safe haven.
Now do you see why I am saying these are some reasons that
contribute to unhealthy relationships, leading to divorce?
Being taken advantage off and being exposed to abuse as a
teen can either build you or break you. Many people lack respect for their
partners in a relationship, they depend on themselves as a result when things
get tough in a relationship and it feels as though the ship is sinking, people
prefer to get off the ship before trying to fix it. They give up and their
defence modes come on and because they are so independent, pride takes over and
nobody is willing to ask for forgiveness or a chance.
Some people weren’t meant to be together in the first place,
they were forcing things and trying their luck, only to find themselves signing
divorce papers.
Marriage is anything but rosy, the happily ever after
concept does not exist in real life. “You won’t be in love with your partner
each and every day”, a wise women once said. She continued to say “but if you
and your partner have a good foundation in a marriage that consists of Agape
love, respect and faith then you have nothing to fear for it will all fall into
place again”. That would be the kind of love that is not based on lust or
beauty but by pure love.
In the end I am going to say, marriage is a blessing from
God but only if you get married to the right person. Do not rush, take
precautions, be realistic, love yourself first, forgive yourself for whatever
mistakes you did in the past, have a clear mind of what you want, know the
person your marrying (make sure he is on the same page as you and is deserving
of you) and believe in yourself.
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